‘We are never ready, and we are never really quite there. Unless we DECIDE to.
This is a story about my mindfulness journey, living the dream by the sea while struggling *AF (yea I know…).
‘As much as I want to know, I still don’t know.
I still don’t know yet, why it had to be so hard or why it felt like 7 years of consistent hardships? I’m still feeling sour and frustrated. Of course, I gain some decent personal growth, but still… I’m like: really? All that for what? A bit more awareness? Doesn’t seem super equal. I might have just chosen to stay ignorant or unconscious a little longer and skip the suffering, right?
I also don’t know, WHY the *F I do all of that?
Not for a bigger house (ok well I’ll take that one), but where am I going exactly, doing all this personal work consistently?
The hard truth is I don’t know, and I might never know.
I don’t know why I do all that.
This thing inside of me, keeps me going, like this thing knows, but honestly, my foot is on the brake.
Part of me is Not ready for more pain and another part is like ‘c’mon girl, that must just be another “quantum leap, just go for it. Take it all and let the growth and magic unfold. Yea right, my mind tells me.
This sounds exactly like the main speech right now in the coaching industry: “walk with the fear. But that’s not me. I mean, I walked countless time side by side with fear, but that’s not how I do it.
I don’t “convince myself to do it. MySelf convince me to do it. Very different.
That’s why it’s not pushing. It’s a deeper listening, it’s an inner discussion to find the trust within to do the next step and the next one. It’s an ongoing discussion. That’s why, the way you interact with your inner world, your thoughts & emotions, the stuff within you matters so much.
Sharing the journey I walked through might also remind you & me that despite how good it looks from the outside: the beautiful life by the sea, the successful businesses, the mindfulness in it (and in our family and lives), as much as this is true, the downside of it is also true. It’s never just 1 thing.
I told you I don’t know. It’s true, I don’t know the exact form of what, where, why I am going, but I’m still going. The part that doesn’t know is the “tiny me looking for answers, but the part that Knows is the inner wisdom within me, who doesn’t care about all the little funny, or ridiculous questions, neither the future. That part just KNOWS.
That voice inside me tells me it’s the way. And when I asked but where to? Then it’s silence again. It’s just a floating knowing. Almost saying to me: keep walking, so I keep walking.
That same voice more than 20 years ago told me, in forms of longing, desire, inner crying, physical crying, turmoil and confusion to get out and pursue my quest.
That’s what I did. Two decades ago, I wore some brave sucks and went out, leaving behind boyfriend, my Occupational Therapist profession, friends, and materials for a passion. I was more than 5 years on the road, traveling the world, for my quest of becoming a Professional Kitesurfer. While at the same time, I uncovered my thirst for spiritual practices. I jumped fully in esoteric study, yoga, and meditation trainings.
Eventually the energy of this cycle (the Pro Kitesurfer one) softened. I had discovered, accomplished and felt the experiences I was longing for. Another fire had started lightning new dreams.
I was dreaming of community, connection, nature, yoga and kitesurfing. I was dreaming of my very own mindful place by the sea.
The first 10 years on that kitesurfing road had built the certainty in me that: I could do it! I had done it once. Becoming a ‘Professional Kitesurfer, sounded impossible and felt insane from the place I was, but I made it. I had a clear vision and it worked. I had no reason not to follow my call. I did it.
The last years, by the sea with our hotel/Lodge, in the dream I dreamed, did not felt like celebrations & manifestations… It was just way harder that I could have ever imagined. On all aspects of my life.
The WHY the hardships, the WHY I do all this, the WHY I keep walking…
If I’m not lying to you and to myself,
I know what it is.
There’s a calling inside of me. It always have been there. It lead me in different paths and experiences, but with all honestly, when ever I was brave enough to look within longer enough… It is always there. Always.
I have been shy and scared to voice them. The same way I was terribly shy to share with the world that I wanted to become a professional kitesurfer. Me little me, was ashamed of wanting something so big. How could I dream to be such a proud thing?
In my mid-twenties, I found an old primary school book with some of my drawings. Long before kitesurfing was popular or even existed, there was this drawing of me, sun in my face, surfboard under my feet, floating over the sea, standing up with a kite in my hand. It was all there. That was pretty mind blowing to me and I was all “impressed by my skills of “knowing. While, the next drawing, I discarded it. I minimized it and silently laughed. Even to, I knew exactly what it meant.
Because there is still in me this part who says: “Who do you think you are? Who do you really think you are? …to be that important, that good, that whatever… So I discard the messages…
I went on, neglecting a few messages from within, getting focus only on the visible (the physical businesses, our difficult lives there) and started co-creating that new dream of ‘having our own place, while getting submerge from that shitty heavy rain of hardships, that ended up lasting for years!
I wanted to quit, quit my business, quit my relationship, quit the hardships, just quit, and go back to the easy and beautiful life I knew.
This time, my engagements in life were different. It was not just: ‘me with ‘me.
I had a young baby, with a lover I was getting to know, while we had started two businesses together, including some additional business relations that I blindly wanted to see as ‘good, but wich in fact were so miserable that it only contributed to more pain in our lives. My boyfriend and I, with our 2 different cultures and baggages, him from Germany and me from Canada, simply taught we would co-create a beautiful and mindful Lodge in the heart of a small island of Honduras, call Roatan, in a third world country, starting with nothing. Bravo!
I could also list for you… what not to do while starting your own business overseas.
That would includes:
1-Don’t think you can do it without personal and financial resources and support.
2-Thinking of business partners; make sure to have clear and legal resources that you understand and that supports you.
But hey, if you do it anyway, it’s possible, but it’s not as fun as planned, believe me.
Struggling to have a car, a house, an income that can support us, in a country I had chosen but realized It was way harder than I would ever imagine due mainly to the lack of education and the poverty around us, living this supposedly dream life in the middle of an isolated island at its bare end, because ‘we loved nature and we ‘believed…
Along that journey, I didn’t understand why I would have to swim in triggers, pain, and hardships. I felt I had lost all the confidence in me I had built while journeying as a professional kitesurfer. More than that, I felt I lost confidence and safety in Life. She did not seem to be on my side, supporting me. The hardship had closed my vision. I felt blind and my trust in life was not shining anymore. I did not strongly believe life was full of possibilities and magic despite the obstacles. Cause the magic or minuscule gifts from life, were so tiny it was barely perceivable.
Why it had to be so hard, is my resentment asking.
I haven’t caught all my breath from those exhausting years. The scars they created are still not fully healed.
Like the snake, I have shed some skin.
While I learned a lot, I’m still a bit puzzled… as it doesn’t seem yet to measure up to the pain.
But what if I stopped looking at the pain and actually look at the gain?
Yes there is still resentment, and It’s ok. I don’t need to change this. It will move in its own time.
Now what if I just look in a different way, for a moment.
What if retrieving a deeper trust in life, without even to have to Know the outlook, was the gift? What if discovering a new type of confidence that is not based on my skill, talent, or personality, but based on my Essence, was another of those gifts? What if those were essential parts of my personal power that I started retrieving? What if that story was needed so I could discover how to navigate deeper, darker places?
I can also look at those ones:
-I have uncovered and start understanding deeper layers of myself that actually brought peace.
-I have learnt to navigate fuller, with more ease and peace, all of my emotions,
-I am now more able to choose to anchor in the energy I desire,
-I found myself expressing clearer in my relationship and in the world my opinion, wishes, wants, needs and desires,
-I learnt to close doors, move on and set boundaries,
-I am aware that I teach my environment how I want to be received and treated,
-I finally befriending anger! Letting go of this old safe habit of suppressing it. I mean, that’s not nothing!
What if those were just side gifts, and more is still coming?
What if the gift of patience was already teaching me that my speed is perfect and so are my learnings? That I have no place to be or go apart settling in, my “here and now.
‘You might not understand it yet, said that calm and stable place inside of me, but it’s ok. You are safe. You’ve learn so much.
In your first journey, you learn all about being determine, perseverant, brave and going for your dreams. In the second part of the journey, I know it was not easy. I saw them… all the resistances against the growth we wanted to gift you with. You learnt to go within, to trust deeper and you found part of your own inner power. And my dear friend… there is so much more to come if you desire.
And that gentle inner voice added: Remember… you don’t have to push, rush, hurry or even go fast, you are here already, just TRUST and keep walking dear love, we are with you.
This is. The WHY.
It doesn’t always have a clear form, like this new project you wish to do or this clear path or dharma you might have. It’s not even my drawing or the tarot card revealing itself…
The WHY is this connection within. The gentle voice you can finally hear. The more I water it and care for it, the more it spreads light from within me into my journey. The WHY is not always understandable for the mind. It can be an energy guiding you, leading you and also serving you as a protector, a guide, a safe space… It is within all of us.
That is my WHY.
It’s not a clear form that I can simply hold on to anymore. It’s an essence, within me, that I want to nourish. Whatever will keep me close to this place within, will deserve my whole attention.